1. |
count to ten
02:48
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i'll remain in the time i've been through
blurring lines that keep me alive
though i cant seem to find
somewhere to rest my head
i can take it for a little bit longer
it's okay to retrace
too many steps sometimes
because home never felt so unstable
and ill take some time
learn how to figure it out
and we'll keep in touch if we're able
and i'll be gone by tomorrow
you'll count to ten
but this time i wont see
how this ends
take note of a feeling
derived from winter air
its skies embrace me at their core
kind hands could lead me through
remind me that i'm not broken
i'll blossom, ease a longing heart
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2. |
dec 03 2021
05:25
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i find myself on the floor
a moment between your voices
escape from a paradigm where i
have trouble reaching anything anymore
and as you told me where i belong
thrown towards you, an exit out of sight
know that i've laid here far too long
recontextualize "all right"
concurrence impossible still
i'm drowning in your transience
a descriptor i find so often
at times it can hurt
at times it’s relieving
but i don't wanna go back
i couldn't help but be
one who’ll cave in
to your mitigating promise
i couldn’t help but be
one who’ll cave in
to your recurrent cycles
oh oh oh
well, it's pouring over
oh oh oh
ill give some credit to myself
oh oh oh
getting hard to duck and cover
oh oh oh
from what i've been hanging to since last december
it seems pathetic, i'm aware
i see myself more than you ever have
you're weaker still, break down on your way over
i just want to go home
oh oh oh
i feel i'm fading, dying
oh oh oh
but at least it's something new
oh oh oh
well, it's pouring over
oh oh oh
but at least it's something new
how did it end up this way?
i'll run from every embrace if i don't know your motive
i'll try to go to bed today
is this all human or a sharpened habit?
but i'll still be here more
might as well make peace with your voice in my head
can't help but lock my door
clinging as tight as i can
(i do have feelings! when i listen they remind me what's important.)
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3. |
please, inside voices!
04:02
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i cant see a way around this
gouge my eyes out for all the cues i've missed
and every step forward just makes me reminisce
i know you want to help me but you cant fix it
know my place now more than ever
i'm isolating, i hate this weather and
overcast feels so much better
you turned so sharp i didn't notice
and i kept leaning into you
you promised you'd catch me and fix this
but you never came back
i don't know when you'll come around
submerged and you cant hear a sound
gave all i had just to get you out
as soon as i reached out you just turned around
back then i wouldn't even step out of line to save myself
what am i worth if at this i cant excel?
and i crack under all the pressure
look for a place to hide from her
and i'm running out of time to get there
ill come up for agonizing air
fragments of who i used to be
cloud their vision endlessly
you're the only one i thought would be
here for me limitlessly
there's so much to tell you i might just refrain
my hands are empty there's nothing left to gain
there's so much to tell you i might just refrain
promise that it's over, trusting that isn't safe
put every thought i had against itself
how could you forget that id lose myself?
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4. |
an ending, a start
04:01
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they'll take care of themselves
and i'll let go of mine
not a bother, promise
it's all that i wanted
when nothing feels real
and i'm tearing my own skin off
resounding worries that i
can't quite place
so when all those pretty
light strips are blaring
snow falls through my window
i'm hiding, enclosed in a
comfort i found myself
then you pull me out
walk aimlessly
hope in the unknown
when it all feels like
crumbling, caving in
gone with the wind,
the leaves fall and it's
tearing through me too
this pit inside me
my stomach is shifting
a cloudless air cuts
my ideas to the floor
trail into the street
i hope they don't hit me
but it's nice to feel things
slipping away
to be gone in a moment
things persist, feel broken
i'll drift through a season or two
(and i don't know where to go)
substance transparent in my
deforming bones
where is it's heart?
all these answers unfounded
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5. |
estates like home
10:41
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i am drifting through each passage
playing with ideas that once meant everything to me
help me find a mark to remember
why each breath isn't yours, it's who you want to be
could anyone reach so far?
and it was hard to hold on without you
so i'd picture your smile
stuck together, we're torn apart
so i'll break our ropes, untethered
lost in contact, i'm torn apart
again i find things revealing
a nature i didn't know i'd need
retract all that's keeping me going
what i'd hear when it got hard to breathe
(just try to hold on for now)
a frame that doesn't fit me anymore
are you certain it ever did?
fractured like wilted flowers in your wake
in honesty i've lost hope for our process
and all i knew was to hold on to you
and all i could see were your conflicting colors
nothing to keep me around
flinching without intent
identity detached through breakdowns
never connected again
a thread strung through
i'm beginning to wonder
if i've ever made it past this filter
when they'd drive me up north
and i'd trace the signs around us
wondering what leads to losing sight
erasing composure
i'll break as you reach me
and in familiar hills i remember
to feel things i'm sure are allowed
and i just can't hold myself together
reaching for words that can hold me down
at least it's coming to a close
i'll leave some words unsaid
tearing down something i'd kill to uphold
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6. |
never apparent enough
04:21
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last year i held still, hidden in stagnation
evoked by pieces i need to cut out
cave under her standards, i don't mind
able to hold a lie until i'm talking too loud
will you feel ashamed when you see me
if i make my wounds apparent?
i'm not the kid you want
and i'm more than you deserve
contort me into something else
so it's easy on your stomach
i'll dream of intent to rip the insides out
please don't take this away
a distressed, enduring wonder
dispelled as it yearns for a shred of doubt
i scream things that define me
things you hate to hear
i miss that kind of support
i'm running towards you, please turn back
recollection washed in somers trees
but i can't hold out much longer
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7. |
elude it all again
06:12
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i think it's all too much
for retrospective coping
it eludes me, now more than ever
recounting meaning is far too demanding
i wanna dream, find things far beyond you
remember why i'm alive
confide in something gentle
keep it close when im stable
drift off, feel entangled
reap insight from outstretched hands
do i know i'm alright?
forced interest in all that's left
i'm here, i'll breathe with spite
this is all that's left for me
i don't want to be alright
rejecting all that's left
i'm here, i'll breathe with spite
inadequate, wasting time
(i cant grapple with everything, cutting the act
i'd rip what's pretty and throw it up intact)
i cant grapple with everything, cutting the act
i'd rip what's pretty and throw it up intact
like autumn sheets i'm pulled towards an exit
hands are still, i can't change this
i'm haunted by something within me
but i know what keeps me going
helpless, just take me at your side
your hand around mine
i think i'll work my way out
take care of what i can
a cyclical system
assures that i'll blossom once more
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8. |
362 northeast
02:36
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and i'm still here, i guess that everything's alright
its ok for now, i'll take my precious time
leaving it be, still open for anything offered
why not go home?
things aren't always bearable
though i get better every day
there's branches to catch me
if i lose footing once more
confines disguised in effigy
lose grip the less i mind
like i'd sit on the attic floor
indulging in the bliss of inexperience
promise that i haven't lost anything
as long as i can let things go
not acting in preservation
but letting things pass by
the sky assures me in my room
allows my bedsheets to feel like home
and i'm still here, i guess that everything's alright
its ok for now, i'll take my precious time
leaving it be, still open for anything offered
why not go home?
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